Life, Love, and Loss

Picture above is me holding Elliot (3 months), Ingrid (23), Greta (29), and my mom, Paula (63).


My mind feels a bit fuzzy tonight as to be honest, I've been crying. I did really great this whole week in not thinking about "anything" but ever since Tony got home from his trip last night I've just let loose. I guess it's just that a 2 year old and a 3 month old aren't necessarily the best audience for such a heavy topic so I avoid it and instead we discuss Woody and Buzz Lightyear, Emmy's favorite characters on the movie Toy Story! I've been trying so darn hard to not let cancer interrupt their lives too much because they are so young and sweet and cancer is so evil. I don't want Emmy to know that her time with her beloved "Mimi" is growing short. She won't understand. I'll have to tell her at some point but not today...and not tomorrow... I pray that when it does come time, the Lord will give me the strength to let my mom go AND to be able to discuss with my little child that she's gone. I wrote a book for her as a way of trying to explain "death" to a preschooler. Looking at it now, I think I may have done it more for myself as a way of trying to feel better about the whole situation. It did help surprisingly! It's about a caterpillar that goes through the transition into a butterfly to REALLY sum it up. I like to think about my mom turning into a beautiful butterfly. I like to think that she will be around, just not in the form I'm used to seeing her. (If anyone is interested in this book let me know and I'll send you the link for it.)

I am hesitating even typing all this because "family blogs" are supposed to be these fun-loving life-is-wonderful monologues but my mom has been open and honest about her feelings on her blog and I feel that I owe it to her to do the same. I've never been good about sharing my feelings and even with friends it's a struggle because I don't want anyone to think I'm weak or a coward. I want to maintain the perception that I can do it all and handle it all with ZERO help. Why am I like this?! It's EXHAUSTING! I DO need help! However, I'm the oldest of three girls and I guess I've always felt that I need to take care of everyone else even when it was really difficult for me to do so. It's so weird for me to ask for help from my sister, Greta while she is up here taking care of mom. I want to take care of mom AND her! =) It's so wonderful to watch both my sisters function as women, not the little girls I saw them as before. We are all equals now and we are taking care of each other and I'm thankful every day for them. What a remarkable thing my mom did for me! She gave me sisters! Can't get a better gift than that! Especially two sisters that are as wonderful as mine are. Greta in particular has really stepped up and given up so much to care for my mom right now when I simply cannot. I know that it's hard on her emotionally and I just hope she knows how much happiness it brings me knowing that my mom is with her and not alone. However, we've got a rough road ahead and I hope that I can become more involved in my mom's care so that it isn't all on Greta. Mom recently signed up for Hospice care so that is a relief that someone can tell us what to do to help mom through this next stage.

I have been reading a very insightful book called "No Death, No Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh (a Buddhist Monk) and some things really caught me and I'd like to share them...

"Our greatest fear is that when we die we will become nothing. Many of us believe that our entire existence is only a life span beginning the moment we are born or conceived and ending the moment we die. We believe that we are born from nothing and that when we die we become nothing. And so we are filled with fear of annihilation.
From nothing cannot be born something. From someone, you cannot become no one. If the person close to you does not manifest in the form that you are used to seeing or perceiving, that does not mean that he is non-existing. It does not mean that he is no longer there. If you look deeply, you can touch his or her presence in other forms of manifestation.
The same thing happens when we lose any of our beloved ones. When conditions are not right to support life, they withdraw...Eventually we grow up and we all lose our mothers, but if you practice, when the time comes for the separation you will not suffer too much. You will very quickly realize that your mother is always alive within you."

A Sheet of Paper

No coming, no going,
No after, no before,
I hold you close,
I release you to be free;
I am in you
And you are in me.

I find peace in these words and ideas. I'm not Buddhist but I find God in this. My God loves me too much to forever take my mother from me, so therefore I just know that I will see her everyday in myself, in my daughters, in the love I have for my husband and family, and I will see her in the world around me. And, I will ALWAYS feel her love.

My pastor, Bill Gates, said something to me the other day that really surprised me and I had never thought of death in such a way. He said that life and death should be celebrated. He is absolutely right! Death is a celebration but we so rarely think of it as such. I think we get too focused on ourselves and the heartache of loosing someone that we forget the REMARKABLE JOY that our loved one gets to exist in! Death of our bodies is not the death of our soul and we never liked our bodies much anyways so who cares! =) I know that I have some of my mom's soul inside me already and that brings me so much comfort.

Anyhow, I didn't intend for this to be such a long dissertation on dying and loss but obviously it's been on my mind.

I want to close tonight with this; Please don't let an opportunity go by to hug the ones you love and let them know exactly how you feel. Not everyone gets a chance to say such a long goodbye as I get to have with my mom. I feel so lucky in that respect. If you are proud of someone, TELL THEM! If you appreciate someone, TELL THEM!

Goodnight sweet friends. Thank you for taking your precious time to read my ramblings.