Thanksgiving

All of us! Tony and Elliot

Diva!

Em and I sledding

Don't worry, we both have medical coverage!

My special girl

Bathing Beauties!

Sweet Angel

I was asked to make the butter into a shape so why not a turkey?!

Ellie and Aunt Ingrid

Rosy cheeked Emmy after playing in the snow.

Ellie and Aunt Greta

Ellie and Mimi

Ellie and Mimi

Emerson found Great Grandma's cane...

Me and my girls

Emmy Bach!


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We just got back from spending several days at my Aunt and Uncle's house in Richland, Washington with nearly all of my family. All my mom's siblings and their families were there, my grandma, my family, and my sisters came too. And of course, mom. My grandma got to meet Elliot for the first time which was wonderful! It stinks to say this but I think this was my mom's last time traveling and I'm so thankful that I got to be a part of it. I don't think our family has ever gotten together like this because there always seems to be an excuse or it is just too difficult getting everyone together from all over Washington at the same time. I know that it meant so much to every person there to share this holiday with mom and for most of them, say goodbye, forever. My mom is so strong to be able to do this over and over with friends, family, past coworkers etc. She is letting go and none of us want her to go. It had to have been so difficult hugging her mom for the last time. My Aunt Dot and her have always had an incredible connection with each other and to see them say their goodbyes to each other is just heartbreaking as I don't think I could stand the pain of doing that with my own sisters. I hate even thinking about this! Even though this all sounds like a bummer of a time, it actually wasn't at all! We had a lot of fun (until the end of our trip when the goodbyes couldn't wait any longer). It was so great that Tony was able to join us for a couple of days before having to leave for work early Thanksgiving morning. We managed to get a huge family picture and we enjoyed spending time together playing pool, visiting, chasing my child around, watching movies, and cooking like crazy. It was warm, cozy and something that I didn't realize how badly I have missed throughout my life. I always felt like I had a very small family until this past week. It was nice. We all had so much to be thankful for. Mostly, I am thankful for all the blessing that God has giving me...Tony, my precious babies, my family, and my friends. It's funny, I just realized that there are no possesions in my thankful list. I of course am thankful for my home and cars, and my stuff, but at the end of the day, those things just don't seem to matter near as much as feeling the love from those around you and being able to give it right back!

So, enough of that!... =) Emmy did a couple of cute things this week that I would like to share (mostly because it makes me happy thinking about her and Ellie)!

Emerson ADORED my 10 year old cousin, Bailey. She followed her around EVERYWHERE and constantly asked "What are you doing Bailey?" "Where are you going Bailey?" "Come with me Bailey!". I hope that she wasn't annoyed by it but she seemed to be a really good sport. Bailey and family left a day before us and after they were gone poor Emmy wandered around the house looking for her and kept insisting that Bailey needed to come to our house or that we needed to call her on the phone.

My little family of four all slept together in one room (which can be a challenge) and I put Em in a Pack and Play so that she couldn't wander around when she should be sleeping. Well, one morning I woke up before her and got in the shower. All of a sudden, the door opens and in strolls Emerson! "Whatcha doin' Mama?" I was so surprised to see her! "How did you break free?!" I asked. She calmly responded "I climbed out." Good to know...!

Baby Elliot doesn't get near the amount of attention that Emerson gets simply because she is so easy going (when her tummy isn't hurting her). She is definitely going to be the little charmer between the two. My mom and I were just commenting today how when Ellie smiles and blinks her eyes, it's like she blinks in slow motion with her beautiful eyelashes. If you so much as look into her face and talk to her she usually rewards you with her entire face breaking into a smile. Even her nose seems to smile the way it crinkles. What a joy she is! And oh how she loves her big sister! I watch her always looking for Emmy in a room and once she finds her, her eyes follow her everywhere. She is fascinated by everything Emmy does. Hooray for sisters!

Well, I know that I probably have way more to write about but I'm tired so I'm going to head to bed. I have posted a bunch of pictures from our trip. I hope that you all had an incredible Thanksgiving holiday and that you found many things to be thankful for. I'm thankful for all of you...

Peace.

Life, Love, and Loss

Picture above is me holding Elliot (3 months), Ingrid (23), Greta (29), and my mom, Paula (63).


My mind feels a bit fuzzy tonight as to be honest, I've been crying. I did really great this whole week in not thinking about "anything" but ever since Tony got home from his trip last night I've just let loose. I guess it's just that a 2 year old and a 3 month old aren't necessarily the best audience for such a heavy topic so I avoid it and instead we discuss Woody and Buzz Lightyear, Emmy's favorite characters on the movie Toy Story! I've been trying so darn hard to not let cancer interrupt their lives too much because they are so young and sweet and cancer is so evil. I don't want Emmy to know that her time with her beloved "Mimi" is growing short. She won't understand. I'll have to tell her at some point but not today...and not tomorrow... I pray that when it does come time, the Lord will give me the strength to let my mom go AND to be able to discuss with my little child that she's gone. I wrote a book for her as a way of trying to explain "death" to a preschooler. Looking at it now, I think I may have done it more for myself as a way of trying to feel better about the whole situation. It did help surprisingly! It's about a caterpillar that goes through the transition into a butterfly to REALLY sum it up. I like to think about my mom turning into a beautiful butterfly. I like to think that she will be around, just not in the form I'm used to seeing her. (If anyone is interested in this book let me know and I'll send you the link for it.)

I am hesitating even typing all this because "family blogs" are supposed to be these fun-loving life-is-wonderful monologues but my mom has been open and honest about her feelings on her blog and I feel that I owe it to her to do the same. I've never been good about sharing my feelings and even with friends it's a struggle because I don't want anyone to think I'm weak or a coward. I want to maintain the perception that I can do it all and handle it all with ZERO help. Why am I like this?! It's EXHAUSTING! I DO need help! However, I'm the oldest of three girls and I guess I've always felt that I need to take care of everyone else even when it was really difficult for me to do so. It's so weird for me to ask for help from my sister, Greta while she is up here taking care of mom. I want to take care of mom AND her! =) It's so wonderful to watch both my sisters function as women, not the little girls I saw them as before. We are all equals now and we are taking care of each other and I'm thankful every day for them. What a remarkable thing my mom did for me! She gave me sisters! Can't get a better gift than that! Especially two sisters that are as wonderful as mine are. Greta in particular has really stepped up and given up so much to care for my mom right now when I simply cannot. I know that it's hard on her emotionally and I just hope she knows how much happiness it brings me knowing that my mom is with her and not alone. However, we've got a rough road ahead and I hope that I can become more involved in my mom's care so that it isn't all on Greta. Mom recently signed up for Hospice care so that is a relief that someone can tell us what to do to help mom through this next stage.

I have been reading a very insightful book called "No Death, No Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh (a Buddhist Monk) and some things really caught me and I'd like to share them...

"Our greatest fear is that when we die we will become nothing. Many of us believe that our entire existence is only a life span beginning the moment we are born or conceived and ending the moment we die. We believe that we are born from nothing and that when we die we become nothing. And so we are filled with fear of annihilation.
From nothing cannot be born something. From someone, you cannot become no one. If the person close to you does not manifest in the form that you are used to seeing or perceiving, that does not mean that he is non-existing. It does not mean that he is no longer there. If you look deeply, you can touch his or her presence in other forms of manifestation.
The same thing happens when we lose any of our beloved ones. When conditions are not right to support life, they withdraw...Eventually we grow up and we all lose our mothers, but if you practice, when the time comes for the separation you will not suffer too much. You will very quickly realize that your mother is always alive within you."

A Sheet of Paper

No coming, no going,
No after, no before,
I hold you close,
I release you to be free;
I am in you
And you are in me.

I find peace in these words and ideas. I'm not Buddhist but I find God in this. My God loves me too much to forever take my mother from me, so therefore I just know that I will see her everyday in myself, in my daughters, in the love I have for my husband and family, and I will see her in the world around me. And, I will ALWAYS feel her love.

My pastor, Bill Gates, said something to me the other day that really surprised me and I had never thought of death in such a way. He said that life and death should be celebrated. He is absolutely right! Death is a celebration but we so rarely think of it as such. I think we get too focused on ourselves and the heartache of loosing someone that we forget the REMARKABLE JOY that our loved one gets to exist in! Death of our bodies is not the death of our soul and we never liked our bodies much anyways so who cares! =) I know that I have some of my mom's soul inside me already and that brings me so much comfort.

Anyhow, I didn't intend for this to be such a long dissertation on dying and loss but obviously it's been on my mind.

I want to close tonight with this; Please don't let an opportunity go by to hug the ones you love and let them know exactly how you feel. Not everyone gets a chance to say such a long goodbye as I get to have with my mom. I feel so lucky in that respect. If you are proud of someone, TELL THEM! If you appreciate someone, TELL THEM!

Goodnight sweet friends. Thank you for taking your precious time to read my ramblings.